sur·ren·der (it's a verb)

It felt like someone had taken my heart out of my chest, threw it up against a wall, let it fall to the ground and then stomped on it while it was on the floor.

The 2nd round felt like my heart had never really been put back where it goes, and someone played soccer with it where it fell out before.

I'm not sure I can describe how much I hurt in any other way.

But I can tell you now, a couple weeks later. I know I'm going to be okay. Because this isn't about me.

I know as a Christian I am to love others, as I love myself. I know I am to forgive, as I have been forgiven. Those two features don't come very easy. Like, at all.

I want to share all these things about how I cannot stand my ex husband, and his wife. But this isn't about them either.

My youngest boy has expressed wanting to live with this father. Visiting me, and living there.
This is the same guy who has a felony DUI charge because he put my two boys in the car with him and drove while under the influence.
This is the same guy who for 4 years was getting his crap together while I raised our boys. This is the same guy who allowed his wife to teach our (then) 15 year old to steal and they were caught and both arrested.
This is the same guy I once said I would love forever.
Things change, obviously.

So as my ex husband has the nerve to sue me for full custody, child support AND his attorney fees....
I wasn't going 'down' without a fight. I knew from past experiences (you can read about that, in this blog post Step Families ).
I am going to fight for my son who didn't/doesn't want to live with me. I know better. Because we've been here. My other children are better for it.
But, this isn't about my son either.

No, this is about forgiveness. This is about God's love. This is about, surrendering it to Him.
This is about realizing, my youngest son has seen the other 3 grow up, move on and out. This is about my youngest son who's needed his father to BE his father, and maybe now that's actually what is going on. I don't know this, factual. But I believe in something much bigger than me. And I believe He knows better than I do.
When God gave me the word Surrender for 2019 I thought like, every year, I had no idea what it would bring.
I know the challenges, trials and other unforeseen things that came with my previous years words. But who knew this year would literally bring me to my knees in my living room whaling in tears, knowing this battle wasn't/isn't intending for me to fight.

The evening before our 2nd court date, I came to the realization during my argument with God that this wasn't about my ex husband, his wife, my son, my husband or myself. This was about something much greater. This was about surrendering to Him. Surrendering what is completely out of my hands and has been His all along.
After that morning, on a very quiet walk back to the car, I realized God had shut the door, again. How many times does He need to shut it for me to get it?

This is audacious faith. This is ridiculous faith. For me anyway. Maybe some other mom can do this no problem. I however, cannot. I cannot walk away for fear of my son looking back later in life thinking 'why didn't you fight for me'.

But this isn't a fight. This is faith. Faith that I have done well thus far with raising my son, and instilled good morals. Faith that my son might be the only light that ever shines in that house.

I fight with my flesh still, daily. I fight with feeling like the last 4 years that his dad wasn't really 'around' now he's coming back in with a cape on and all my son sees is a superhero that has finally arrived.
I fight with feeling like I'm letting my ex husband win.
I wrestle with knowing his step mom will be a prominent force in his life.
But I still rest knowing this still isn't about them. Reminding myself surrender, and fully do so.

xo,
Misty