Finding myself.

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What are you doing with your life?

I have been asking myself this question for the last 3 weeks.
Maybe you know the answer to that question for yourself. I however, do not.

I truly believe I'm circling where I'm supposed to be, but haven't quite nailed it yet.
Maybe.

A few weeks ago I had to break down and finally go see the doctor. I had a sinus infection that had been causing headaches for over a month, and a double ear infection- what? Yes. Double ear infection. Fluid behind my ears, that I thought only happened in baby and toddler years.

Anyway....

The doctor I saw was speaking to me about allergies, while I argued I didn't have them- she said, I'm 32 as well and mine have only begun, you and I are in the same boat.
Really? Are we now? Because last I checked, you have a lab coat on, I have on sweats and no make-up. Whatever. We are not the same.

She's 32. I'm 32. Wait, we're the same age. She's a Doctor. .... Good for her.
My direction in life didn't go into physical therapy where I thought I'd be, instead I had a child. Then another one.

The following week and I met an attorney. She looked incredibly young.
Me being me- who doesn't always think before words come out of my mouth- asked.
"How old are you? You look so young."
Her- "I'm 26."
What?! Your like, a baby. Did you just graduate law school? Seriously.
Yea, I said those things. Out loud.

Then as I drove away... it sank in.
And these words came out- in my car- out loud. What on earth am I doing with my life?
I just met a 32 year old doctor. A 26 year old lawyer, and here I am, workout pants, hair up, minimal make-up going to go prep for dinner for my family.

I feel like I'm spinning. What do I even have to show for my life? I have 2 beautiful boys. Absolutely beautiful!
I have an amazing husband who loves me more than I love myself sometimes.
2 step kids, a home, a dog.

I sank further.

I'm extremely blessed. And extremely happy in my marriage, my boys are thriving, they are healthy, we all are! We struggle here and there, just as much as the next family.

All in all, what do I really have to complain about?

The fact that I'm 32 and I feel like I'm spinning. No college degree.
Why? Why should I feel like this?
Devil is that you?
Is this society?
There's no way I'm the only one who feels this way from time to time...

So...

If you need me I'll be over here finding myself.



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